


As I Fall

by idrilhadhafang



Series: Pre-TFA AUs [1]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Alternate Universe - Pre-Canon, Attempted Dark Poe, Bathing/Washing, Dark, Knights of the old republic references, M/M, Married Characters, Obsession, Obsessive Behavior, Obsessive Kylo Ren, POV Kylo Ren, POV Poe Dameron, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Poe Needs A Hug, Possessive Behavior, Possessive Kylo Ren, Prisoner Poe Dameron, Unhealthy Relationships, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-19
Updated: 2017-10-13
Packaged: 2018-12-17 07:43:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11847054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: Years before the events of The Force Awakens, Poe Dameron is captured by Kylo Ren, who seeks to make Poe a loyal servant of the First Order. As Poe tries to resist, he's drawn into a realm of obsession, desire and darkness with each step he takes.





	1. Promise of Reunion

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

The mission to Corellia should be a straightforward one, Kylo Ren thinks. And it starts off that way too. It’s later in all this that Snoke mentions something that throws Kylo Ren’s world out of balance.

When Snoke speaks to him, he says, “There is something special about this mission. Something more. The leader of the Resistance group you must crush on Corellia is your mate, Poe Dameron.”

 _Poe_. Of course he would have to come into contact with him, of course he would have to confront him. Kylo Ren just hasn’t expected it to be this soon. “Poe Dameron,” he tries to say with some degree of being convincing (Kylo Ren is very bad at lying), “Means nothing to me, Supreme Leader.”

The Supreme Leader isn’t convinced. “I believe he does,” he says. “You act as if he means nothing to you, but he means everything to you still. You would have taken him with you if not for Skywalker.”

Kylo does not deny it. He knows that the Supreme Leader is telling the truth. The Supreme Leader is wise, as he always is. Skywalker...

Skywalker did separate them.

If not for the fact that Skywalker had effectively dueled him and won, he would have been able to reunite with Poe. Tell him everything. Tell him the truth. But now...

Snoke continues. “I encourage you, Kylo Ren -- give up this foolish endeavor. This man is far from worth finding.”

“I shall not be swayed by him.”

Snoke sounds deep in thought. “We shall see. We shall see.”

His hologram fades, and Kylo Ren is left alone in the room with his thoughts.

He will find Poe.

Luke Skywalker separated the both of them once. Kylo Ren will be damned if it happens again. And he will cross galaxies if it means that he will see and claim Poe Dameron for his own once again.


	2. Arrival

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo Ren arrives on Corellia, and things fall apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Poe Dameron is on Corellia when he’s captured.

It all happens so quickly in that moment. It’s night when he hears shouting, night when he hears the sounds of blasterfire, and he runs to investigate.

He’s got his blaster, and it’s there that he sees the stormtroopers shooting at civilians. He draws his blaster and fires at them, and they fall one by one. All around him, there are bodies. It feels like he’s wading through a whole sea of bodies. As he shoots, he’s aware of a shuttle passing up above. A shuttle that’s enough to strike fear into the hearts of those who see it, or hear its roar.

This is Kylo Ren’s shuttle. And now, it seems that what was already a bad day is about to get worse in a hurry.

The shuttle lands, and Kylo Ren descends from the loading ramp. He’s an impressive figure, hooded and cloaked and masked, tall and lean...and Poe swears that Ren’s looking in Poe’s direction even as he advances from the shuttle.

The others raise their blasters. Ren only knocks them backwards, before advancing closer towards Poe. Poe shoots at him, only for Ren to freeze the blaster bolt in place. It hovers in the air, frozen, a bolt of ice blue energy. And just as Poe’s about to throw a grenade, Kylo Ren freezes him too.

Poe struggles. He can’t move; he’s effectively frozen in place even as he stares up at Ren, at eyes that seem cold and dead. The stormtroopers haul him before Ren and throw Poe to his knees.

Poe wonders if it’s just needless dramatics, especially considering that Ren kneels in front of him soon after.

The terrifying thing is that looking up into those eyes, Poe swears that he knows this man. Too well. _He’s familiar. He’s so familiar._ At least, he feels familiar. Poe doesn’t know how he knows this; he just knows this. Behind the mask is a familiar face, but he can’t put his finger on what that face actually is.

“So who talks first?” Poe says. “You talk first, I talk first?”

The man in the mask seems to be considering something before he says, “Put him onboard.”

The stormtroopers grab Poe’s arms and lead him away.

It’s as he’s being led up the ramp of the shuttle that he hears the chrome-plated stormtrooper say, “Sir. The survivors...”

“There can be no survivors,” Kylo Ren says. “Kill them all.”

Poe struggles against the stormtroopers’ grip in that moment. “No. No!”

But it’s no use. He can’t stop them from destroying the survivors -- he can’t stop them from gunning down everyone in their path. He can only be dragged away, feeling a sort of horror and shame that he couldn’t stop the stormtroopers from doing what they did.


	3. Ben

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Poe reunites with his husband.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

When Poe’s dragged onboard, he expects a prison cell, actually. Something along those lines, at least. He’s heard of the horrors that Kylo Ren can visit on his prisoners. Sifting through their minds like their defenses are made of tissue.

Instead, he’s led to what he can only assume is the mess hall, and they sit together. Poe doesn’t know why he’s in the mess hall, but he can only assume that it’s not good. Kylo Ren joining him doesn’t exactly make things better.

At Kylo’s command, the mess hall droids head to the kitchens and come back with something that Poe already feels uneasy with regarding the First Order.

Food. There’s a lot of food there. Fruit, rich meats, vegetables...and despite his best efforts, Poe finds his stomach rumbling at the sight of it. He hasn’t had time to actually have quality food; a lot of it’s been processed, actually. He shouldn’t have First Order food, but he’s already starving.

“Go on,” Ren says. “Consider it a gift.”

Poe doesn’t want to accept any gifts from this man, and yet it all looks so tempting.

“It’s not poisoned,” Ren says, and Poe believes him. It’s just that --

He takes a bite of fruit after a long while, and to his chagrin, it’s actually good food. Really good food. By the time he’s done, Poe’s replete for the first time in quite a while. They head down the hallway towards Kylo Ren’s quarters next, and once they reach it, Poe already is even more confused, even more bewildered, even more dreading what comes next.

Kylo Ren’s quarters are dimly lit, and they’re enough to be truly creepy, Poe thinks. There’s something about the shadows that truly seem to be alive and is that Vader’s half-melted mask at one of the tables, or is Poe’s mind playing tricks on him? Either way, he doesn’t like it.

They approach Kylo Ren’s bed, and it’s there that Poe wonders if he really is just there to warm it. Even the thought is repellent. He doesn’t want to be there to pleasure a monster. To warm the monster’s bed.

Kylo Ren tilts his head; he appears to Poe almost like a kath hound that’s seen something baffling. “You’re repulsed by me.”

“No stang I am. After what you’ve done...”

“The killings were necessary.”

“Necessary? None of it was necessary!”

“They were enemy combatants -- ’’

“They were civilians!” Poe can't believe what Ren’s saying; even by First Order standards it's such a disconnection with reality. How could any of these people have been enemy combatants? Even the blasters they were only holding up to defend themselves.

“They were enemies of the First Order and needed to be destroyed.”

“They would have been perfectly happy to live their lives without anyone in the First Order coming after them! I mean, how can you even say what you just said?”

“It’s the truth.”

“So you want to think. But you’re a monster, and if you think I’m actually warming your bed, you’re deluding yourself.”

The silence in the room is deafening.

“Am I, Poe?”

Kylo Ren takes off his mask, and Poe already feels like he’s been run over by a speeder. Because before him isn't a monster, but a monster that he loved too well.

 _Ben_. It can’t be. But here he is.

“Ben?”

A flinch seems to go through his husband. Then, “Ben is gone.” Even hearing it in that angel’s voice is enough to make Poe feel like his heart’s been shattered. “He was weak and foolish, so I destroyed him.”

“That’s not true, Ben.” Poe’s mind is screaming with all sorts of confused emotions. He wants to reach out to Ben and hold him, he wants to demand an explanation, he wants so much, actually.

“Don’t call me that.”

“You are Ben.” He wants to reach out and hold him in that moment, his arms ache for it. “Why did you do this?”

“The Supreme Leader showed me the truth.”

“What could he possibly show you?”

“Everything.” _That I never belonged. That the galaxy is out of balance._ At least that’s what Ben seems to be saying.

And Poe’s heart aches. “I wasn’t enough, was I?” he says. “I wanted to be. I loved you. I still love you, Ben. And I wanted to be enough for you.”

“You are.” There’s something in Ben’s voice that softens a bit. It’s just a bit, but it’s there nonetheless. “You are enough for me.”

“Then come home.”

At the word “home”, Ben seems to flinch again. Then, “I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Do you even realize what I’ve done?”

“I do. But it isn't too late to stop this.”

“I have a duty to complete.”

“No,” and here, Poe’s aware of how much he’s keeping his temper in that moment. “You don’t. You can stop this before you kill any more.”

Silence.

“It isn’t too late to choose your path.” Poe reaches out and puts a hand on Ben’s cheek. “I love you, Ben.”

“You don’t have to tell me,” Ben says. “I already know.”

When they sleep together that night, Ben holds him, wraps him in his arms, and Poe is rigid all the while. Back when they were lovers and later married, Poe would have welcomed Ben’s embrace, Ben’s touch. Ben, who touched him so sweetly and kissed him so tenderly. Who does still. But he has to admit that he’s still uncertain. He's still afraid.

Whatever happens, Poe knows that he loves Ben, and always will.


	4. Snoke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kylo meets with Snoke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
> Author's Notes: Snoke's views here are not my own, believe me. He's a manipulative bastard and a bitter man, and his views of Leia's character are inaccurate as all hell. Thought I would at least clear that up.

  
When Poe wakes the next morning, his dreams are muddled and confusing, and filled with the sorts of images that he would prefer to forget. He stumbles out of bed, only to find that new clothes have been set out for him. They feel like velvet, Poe thinks. Red velvet, actually, and black. And then there’s the food set out for him, fruit and waffles (some sort of waffles at least), that is enough to make Poe’s stomach rumble again.

Between the rich food and the rich clothes, Poe feels more like a spoiled prince than anything else.

Ben sits with him, but doesn't eat anything. In between bites, Poe says, “You should try this. It’s good.”

“I already ate.”

They're silent for a long while before Ben’s comlink goes off. Judging by the deep voice on the end, it’s Yana -- no, Snoke. Even that knowledge gives Poe the chills.

“I have to meet with him,” Ben says after the comlink goes silent. He sounds reluctant to leave Poe. “I’ll be back.”

Poe wishes he didn’t have to go. Didn't have to be good as chained to him. It’s unfair and it’s horrible. Even holding Ben, he wishes that there was a universe where Ben wasn’t Snoke’s servant. Where they were still happy.

He wishes, he hopes.

***

“Well, Kylo Ren,” Snoke says. “How went the mission?”

Kylo Ren is in his quarters, looking up at Snoke. Snoke’s hologram looms above him, massive, all-encompassing. It provides a sort of awe to those who see it.

Even as Kylo recounts the mission to Snoke, the Supreme Leader listens, his face neutral, calm. Finally he says, “So Poe Dameron has been spared?”

“Yes.”

“You are devoted to him,” Snoke says, and the way he looks down at Kylo Ren, there’s no avoiding those eyes, no use denying the truth. Yet he does.

“Devoted? Supreme Leader, I am devoted only to you.”

“So you say,” Snoke rumbles. “And yet the reentrance of this man into your life seems to have shaken your sense of duty. Why aren't you asking him questions? If there was ever a time to put your talents to work, it’s now.”

The problem is, Kylo doesn't know if he wants to.

He has never taken pleasure in the interrogations. Others have called him a sadist, but then again, they're willing to tell a lot of stories about him. Too many, actually. Kylo Ren has never enjoyed the interrogations. He is no sadist, after all. He does what he does in the service of the Supreme Leader, no more, no less.

And doing it to Poe, his own husband...perhaps he is weak, but it seems unconscionable somehow.

“You hesitate?”

“If he could be turned to our side, then he would make a powerful ally. And it would be the right thing to do, wouldn't it? The good thing.”

“If I didn't know better, I’d say that you were bargaining again.”

Silence.

“He is the best pilot in the Resistance. With him on our side, it would be a blow to the Resistance.” Kylo looks up at Snoke earnestly. “Just think about it, Supreme Leader. The Resistance’s favorite son,” and here, bitterness enters his voice. “Turned to our side. Enlightened properly. That would be a victory for the First Order in and of itself, wouldn't it?”

And he isn't lying. His mother, that vile woman...she was using Poe as a surrogate, wasn't she? A replacement.

“The junglecats do eat their young,” Kylo mutters.

“They do. More than that, they replace them with someone better. Someone who wouldn't need to need anything. Someone who wouldn't need to feel. Who wouldn't protest at any mistreatment, who wouldn't see beyond the Resistance’s infantile delusions of right and wrong. Someone who would be the General’s second-in-command who never questioned her orders and would carry out her orders to the letter, even and especially killing her failure son.”

And not for the first time, Kylo Ren hates his mother.

“It’s no surprise, is it? Your mother was always a weak woman. Drowning in her demons, unwilling to fight them.”

“And she was using Poe.”

“Yes. The favorite and the nonfavorite, pitted against each other. It would make for an entertaining show, would it not? For her.”

Not for the first time, Kylo Ren wants to use his lightsaber to destroy everything in his quarters.

“I confess,” Snoke says, “That I never understood your human mothers. Milaran mothers would die for their offspring like a nexu protecting their cubs, yet human mothers find new ways to hurt their offspring. Your own mother being no exception. She was frightened of you.”

“I know.”

“To put it in a simpler answer, persuading Poe Dameron would be the best revenge you could have against your false mother. Knowing her, she would discard him. When the son is less than perfect, when his flaws are revealed, she would find someone else to poison.”

“It would be the best revenge.”

“Can it be done?”

“It can, Supreme Leader.”

“We shall see,” says the Supreme Leader, and his hologram fades out. Kylo Ren is left alone, alone with his fury -- and his new determination.

He will persuade Poe Dameron. Poe will understand. And that...that is the utmost truth.


	5. Between Both Sides

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo and Poe talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Poe’s heard snippets of what happened behind the door, and he’s already angry with Snoke. How could he have even said something like that? How could he have even suggested half the things he did about Poe and General Organa? How could he have said --

By the time Ben gets back, he and Poe both are ready to start arguing.

“Snoke’s wrong,” Poe says. “About everything.”

“Is he?” Ben says, and his voice is quiet all the while.

“What he said about General Organa...” Poe trails off in that moment. Is Snoke right? After all, the General didn’t seem particularly invested in terms of trying to find Ben. Did she know about Ben being Kylo Ren? Did she care?

Does she know? Does she care?

Those are things that Poe doesn’t want to think about too hard, because the truth is too horrible.

“She chose you,” Ben says coldly. “Because she thought you were perfect.”

“I -- ’’

“I didn’t tell you how she looked at her own child. Or how she spoke about him. How she thought.”

“She loved you,” Poe says.

“She never did. You...you, meanwhile, were just a replacement.”

That hurts. That hurts like hell. “I don’t want to replace anyone.”

Ben actually looks surprised enough for Poe to proceed. “Ben,” he continues, “I never stopped looking for you.”

Ben actually looks speechless; he clearly hasn’t expected that. Poe wonders if Snoke also told him that nobody would look for him or care about him, and he hates Snoke all the more. Poe continues. “After Yavin, I looked for you. I looked all over for you. I can’t say how long I looked -- three years?”

“It has been three years,” Ben says.

“I didn’t...” Poe swallows; already, painful memories are bubbling to the surface. “I didn’t let anyone...touch me. Though one tried.”

“Poe.” Ben actually sounds like he’s in shock.

“I fought him off, though. Kicked him in the equipment. He got court-martialed later for harassment. So I guess some things have happy endings.”

“Yes.” Ben strokes a lock of hair out of his face. “Come with me, Poe. We could do so many things together. We wouldn’t have to be separated again.”

Poe shakes his head. “I can’t.”

“You can.”

“No, I can’t. Not with everything the First Order’s done. Not with everything that’s happened.”

“Is that what the General wants you to believe, or -- ’’

“It’s what I believe. I’ll stay for you, Ben. To help you. But I’m not going to join the First Order.”

“You’ll change your mind,” Ben says. “In time you will.”


	6. Right and Wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo leaves for his mission to Dantooine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author's Notes: Sorry this took so long! Let's say I ran into a bad case of writer's block.

The next morning goes along the lines of any other day. Poe dresses, eats breakfast (it seems that Ben is still trying to win him over with food, and more than that, the promise of care. Taking care of his husband), and heads to the bridge with Ben. He wishes that Ben didn't have to wear the mask. It hides his face from the galaxy. Which may be the point, but it also hides his face from Poe, which Poe hates. Ben shouldn't have to hide his beautiful face. 

Ben's thought rather poorly of his face in the past, but Poe's always thought of it as being beautiful. Beautiful as an angel's -- of course, even angels can be dangerous. 

He wonders if there are any fallen angels on Iego, and what became of the mates they left behind. 

They pass a redheaded General with a sort of sour expression that seems permanently engraved into his face. Pass a dark-haired woman, and a chrome-plated stormtrooper with the same unreadable look that seems carved into every stormtrooper's helmet. 

Apparently, judging from conversations that Ben has with the Knights, his husband has to take his Upsilon shuttle (which he uses for missions that require a squad, in this case the Knights of Ren) to the planet of Dantooine. There are Jedi there, according to Snoke, and additional Jedi and Sith artifacts that can assist in Ben's training.

Snoke's also given the General (Hux is his name, apparently) orders to bomb the planet, judging from additional conversations with said General. Poe can feel his contempt too well. The sort of look he gives Poe that suggests that he's wondering what Poe's doing here. 

"And you will treat Poe Dameron with the utmost respect," Ben says, leaning in to the point he's probably thinking that he can intimidate the rather skinny, not particularly imposing General. 

The way the General speaks, it's pretty slimy. Poe wouldn't be surprised if it left a trail of slime in its wake. "Careful, Ren," he says, "That your personal feelings for this man not get in the way of orders from Leader Snoke."

"My personal feelings are none of your concern," Ben says coldly. "And for your sake, I suggest you treat Poe Dameron with respect."

He walks off. Poe swears the General's glaring at their backs as he leaves. 

"You know I can defend myself," Poe says. 

"General Hux needs to be taught his place," Ben says. 

"Still...I can defend myself."

Silence. 

"You don't have to do this, Ben."

"You miss me already?" Ben says, and Poe doesn't know if he's trying to joke or not. Kylo Ren, telling a joke. He hates to think of what the Knights of Ren would consider a joke.

"I will, but...you can turn back."

"It's too late."

"You can stop here."

"The Jedi are evil -- "

"All of them?"

Silence. 

"Yes," Ben says. "Potentially all of them."

"That can't be..."

"According to the Supreme Leader's orders," Ben says. "Yes."

"Then he's wrong. About everything."

Ben tilts his head. It's clear Poe's unsettled him. It occurs to Poe just then. 

"Ben...the mask..."

"People are watching."

"Not that I can see. Can you...take the mask off?"

Silence. Then Ben obliges, and Poe can see him better. His angel, and his beautiful face, framed by locks of black hair. 

"That's better," he says. 

"Is it?" Ben seems pensive. "I confess I feel naked without it."

"It suits you better." _I can actually see the face of the man I love._

"I'm supposed to be a symbol."

"You don't have to be."

"I made my choice when I joined the Supreme Leader. It's too late to leave."

"I told you, it's not." Beat. "If you can't come away with me, can we at least have now?"

"We can." Ben brushes his forehead against Poe's, softly. "We can always have 'now'."

Poe kisses him, feeling the warmth of his lips, sentient flesh, against his own. They have little time before Ben has to go on his mission, but Poe draws him close, because he wants to keep Ben close to him as long as he can. Just to save Ben from himself. 

When Poe draws away, his lips are swollen and tingling from the kiss. "Make the right choice," he says. 

The look on Ben's face suggests that it's not a promise he can keep. 

 


	7. Pretending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo's mission to Dantooine gets bloody.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Dantooine is in chaos even as Kylo Ren's Upsilon shuttle lands there. There's already chaos there, stormtroopers shooting at civilians and soldiers alike, tearing through them, but the chaos really only gets worse even as the Upsilon shuttle lands and Kylo Ren disembarks. Dantooine is familiar with the last time that the Sith attacked it, years after Darth Malak's assault on it. And though Kylo Ren's no Sith, it doesn't matter to the people of Dantooine. 

The Dark Side has come back to Dantooine, and the civilians flee in terror. 

Phasma marches over towards him. "Sir," she says. "The civilians."

Kylo Ren takes a deep breath. He knows full well that Poe Dameron won't forgive him for it. But it's the right thing. The pragmatic thing. Even the noble thing, considering the circumstances. Everyone is complicit, the Supreme Leader has told him. Everyone. There can be no survivors. 

Survivors just provide an opportunity for the Resistance to win. 

And they can't have that. As long as there is evidence of survival, there is the chance that the First Order will lose. And they can't have that. 

"They're all complicit," he says. "Kill them all."

Phasma turns to the others. "On my command," she says, "Fire."

They do. They march through Dantooine, leaving corpses in their wake. And Kylo Ren knows in this moment that he is righteous. Justified. More than that, he is triumphant. 

In his head, he hears Poe's voice pleading with him to stop. _Please, Ben. Stop this. This isn't in your character. At all. Please..._

He can't stop now, however. He doubts that it's possible for him to do so. 

They fight their way into the old Enclave, leaving corpses in their wake, and finally, Kylo finds them. The artifacts that they're looking for. 

The Knights collect the artifacts, and fight their way back out. They make their way back to the Upsilon shuttle, and head back towards the _Finalizer_. 

Mission accomplished. 

***

Poe already knows what his husband's done the moment he comes back to their bedroom, covered in grime and muck. He's killed. Killed innocents, to boot. That's something that Poe supposes he should have realized that Ben would do, and yet it's something that he can't accept, something he can't bear. 

Something he can't take. 

"Ben," he says slowly, "Did you kill them?"

"They were complicit," Ben says, and Poe wonders if Snoke told him that. "They needed to be killed."

"They were innocents!"

"There are no innocents here," Ben says. 

"Did Snoke tell you that?"

"The Supreme Leader -- "

" -- is a megalomaniac!" Poe says. "How can you say otherwise?"

Silence. 

"You can stop this, Ben."

"It's too late. And the Leader...he would never let me."

"Why can't you fight him?"

Silence. Then Ben says, "It's no use."

"There's always a use," Poe says. "Come on, Ben."

The bath that's set up is simple, but large enough to fit both of them. Poe turns up the water before stripping and climbing in.

Ben strips before climbing in the bath with him, and he's sweaty, grimy. He cups water in his hands and pours it all over his sticky body. After a while, after being hesitant to touch him, Poe takes a washcloth and begins to clean him. Sloughing off the physical evidence of what he's done, though the wreckage of Dantooine will be a testament enough to what Ben's done this day. Ben murmurs as Poe washes him, and Poe can pretend for a moment that they're on the same side and doing this -- maybe in the Resistance instead of the First Order. Yes. For a moment, Poe can pretend. 


End file.
